Category Archives: Random

I Like to Break Stuff

I drive through walls and plow down cats
I won’t stop ’til the city’s flat
Twenty miles an hour now
I’d raise it but I don’t know how
I like to break stuff
Sometimes a car is not enough
I like to break stuff
Sometimes my fists just aren’t enough
When I like to break stuff

Bulldozer” by Teddy Roosevelt & The Rough Riders

I had a vivid dream the other night that I hit Jon with a chair.  Not a metal folding chair, which would have been too light to be worth dreaming about, or a heavy wooden chair, which I realistically wouldn’t have been able to pick up and hit anyone with.  It was one of those older, scrappier wooden chairs, the kind that would splinter and break upon contact, which it did in my dream. I grabbed the back of the chair with both hands, and swung it at him, the back legs connecting with his left arm and torso, knocking him sideways.

These violent urges subsided upon my waking up and feeling guilty about how terrible it was for me to even think such things.  However, upon further reflection, I realized it was perhaps not so out of character for me. Continue reading I Like to Break Stuff

Best responses to the rando/crazy ex-girlfriend post

These were some of my favorite responses to “And that’s why you don’t bring a rando to your office holiday party“:

“If you need someone to give him a beat-down, I will punch his root canal.​”

“Want me to call in sick and take a baseball bat to his kneecaps?  Or is him having an ex like that punishment enough?”

“Greetings from Sri Lanka! I can’t participate in a beat down but I can maybe pray at a temple that a curse befalls him. That seems in line with Buddhism right?”

“That’s why I never kiss ’em on the mouth.” [technically a Jayne Cobb quote]

“what a spineless fucktard.”

“Bag of dicks”

“ok, i’ve only read the first 2 paragraphs, but this is kind of amazing” [from my ex]

“damn, you put the smack down” [my ex again]

“Reading your story made we want to start drinking beer” [I can’t think of a higher compliment]

“I don’t know what you were thinking dating a military guy from West Virginia in the first place.”

What the Hell

A few weeks ago, I recorded an interview with a friend at WFMU, and it just aired yesterday.  So check out the link below to hear me say some things on the radio I mistakenly assumed would be edited out.

Why Oh Why? with Andrea Silenzi on WFMU – January 1, 2014 “What the Hell”

Tune in to Why Oh Why? with Andrea Silenzi on Wednesdays at 7pm EST on WFMU 91.1 / 90.1 / 91.9 FM.

Follow Andrea Silenzi here, here, here and here:

Twitter: @andreasilenzi




And that’s why you don’t bring a rando to your office holiday party

I met a guy, Johnny Army, at the end of September, and by December we were spending a lot of time together but were only just beginning to talk about being exclusive, which we were by default but not fiat.  The admins in my office were pressuring me to bring him to the office holiday party in mid-December, but I knew it was too soon and my boss backed me up.  The holiday party was last Thursday and I flew solo, returning home late; Johnny kindly fed my cat before returning to his place. Continue reading And that’s why you don’t bring a rando to your office holiday party

On Spark Theory — Cheaters Edition

I never knew that our romance had ended until you poisoned my food
And I thought it was a lark when you kicked me in the park but now I think it was rude
I never knew that you and I were finished until that bottle hit my head
Though I tried to be aloof when you pushed me off the roof, I feel our romance is dead

– “Say That We’re Sweethearts Again” by Earl K. Brent

At this point, it’s so cliché, we all know the words:

__ had been having an affair with a young 20-something.  __ said he just didn’t feel The Spark any more.

(where “The Spark” = “like he was getting as much attention as he used to, and resented the implication that he had to work at the relationship because it turns out it wasn’t all about him and his needs alone”)

Continue reading On Spark Theory — Cheaters Edition