How to Turn Your Company Toxic in Seven Days

Day 1

Fire the most beloved and one of the most senior employees whom several different people, even those who no longer work at the firm, describe as the glue holding the company together.


Days 2-3

Have no answer prepared for “where’s the legal assistant?” “Is she coming back?”


Day 4

Send an e-mail prohibiting people from ordering lunch together, essentially eliminating group lunches on Fridays, the one day a week everyone in the office would see and speak to each other, usually still about work.


Day 5

As CEO, schedule a video conference for the whole office at 11am during which you:

  • state an entire department has been eliminated while the ostensible head of it and 2 employees are in the room;
  • add that all vacation must be cleared with him in case he decides a project might be coming up that might require your presence but might not;
  • emphasize people must only eat lunch at the desks while working;
  • complain about how the kitchens are being stocked;
  • prohibit working remotely from one’s “vacation home”;
  • insist this is all to promote higher productivity and an office culture where we all gel

right before bidding everyone have a great Labor Day weekend and come back with “fire in your bellies.”


Day 6

<silence>


Day 7

Leave it to your underlings to do damage control, like the President calling the remaining members of his now non-existent department to reassure them that their positions are “not in line for firing…at this time.”


Go ahead. See if you can beat that.

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